How to make your wife happy
by Sheikh Mohammed Abdelhaleem Hamed.
1. Beautiful Reception
After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you:
* begin with a good greeting.
* Start with Assalamau 'Aliaykum and a smile. Salam is a sunnah and a du'aa for her as well.
* Shake her hand and leave bad news for later!
2. Sweet Speech and Enchanting Invitations
Choose words that are positive and avoid negative ones.
Give her your attention when she speaks.
Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands.
Call her with the nice names that she likes, e.g. my sweet-heart, honey, saaliha, etc.
3. Friendliness and Recreation
Spend time talking together.
Spread to her goods news.
Remember your good memories together.
4. Games and Distractions
Joking around & having a sense of humor.
Playing and competing with each other in sports or whatever.
Avoiding prohibited (haram) things in your choices of entertainment.
5. Assistance in the Household
Doing what you as an individual can/like to do that helps out,especially if she is sick or tired.
The most important thing is making it obvious that the husband appreciates her hard work.
6. Consultation (Shurah)
Specifically in family matters.
Giving her the feeling that her opinion is important to you.
Studying her opinion carefully.
Be willing to change an opinion for hers if it is better.
Thanking her for helping him with her opinions.
7. Visiting Others
Choosing well raised people to build relations with. There is a great reward in visiting relatives and pious people. (Not in wasting time while visiting!)
Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits.
Not forcing her to visit whom she does not feel comfortable with.
8. Conduct During Travel
Offer a warm farewell and good advice.
Ask her to pray for him.
Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your absence.
Give her enough money for what she might need.
Try to stay in touch with her whether by phone, e-mail, letters, etc..
Return as soon as possible.
Bring her a gift!
Avoid returning at an unexpected time or at night.
Take her with you if possible.
9. Financial Support
The husband needs to be generous within his financial capabilities. He should not be a miser with his money (nor wasteful).
He gets rewards for all what he spends on her sustenance even for a small piece of bread that he feeds her by his hand (hadith).
He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him.
10. Smelling Good and Physical Beautification
Following the Sunnah in removing hair from the groin and underarms.
Always being clean and neat.
Put on perfume(itr): a sunnah.
It is obligatory to fulfill her sexual needs if you have no excuse (sickness,etc.)
Start with "Bismillah" and the authentic du'a.
Begin with foreplay including words of love.
Continue until you have satisfied her desire.
Relax and joke around afterwards.
Avoid intercourse during the monthly period because it haram.
Do what you can to avoid damaging her level of Hiyaa (shyness and modesty) such as taking your clothes together instead of asking her to do it first while the man is looking on.
Avoid positions during intercourse that may harm her such as putting pressure on her chest and blocking her breath, especially if you are heavy.
Choose suitable times for intercourse and be considerate as sometimes she maybe sick or exhausted.
12. Guarding Privacy
Avoid disclosing private information such as bedroom secrets, her personal problems and other private matters.
13. Aiding in the Obedience to Allah
Wake her up in the last third of the night to pray "Qiam-ul-Layl" (extra prayer done at night with long sujood and ruku'a).
Teach her what you know of the Qur'an and Hadith.
Teach her "Dhikr" (ways to remember Allah by the example of the prophet(sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam)) in the morning and evening.
Encourage her to spend money for the sake of Allah such as in a charity etc.
Take her for Hajj and Umrah when you can afford to do so.
14. Showing Respect for her Family and Friends
Take her to visit her family and relatives, especially her parents.
Invite them to visit her and welcome them.
Give them presents on special occasions.
Help them when needed with money, effort, etc..
Keep good relations with her family after her death if she dies first.
Also in this case the husband is encouraged to follow the sunnah and keep giving what she used to give in her life to her friends and family.
15. (Islamic) Training & Admonition
* The basics of Islam
* Her duties and rights
* Reading and writing
* Encouraging her to attend lessons and halaqahs
* Islamic rules (ahkam) related to women
* Buying Islamic books and tapes for the home library
16. Admirable Jealousy
Ensure she is wearing proper hijab before leaving house.
Restrict free mixing with non-mahram men.
Avoiding excess jealousy. Examples of this are:
1- Analyzing every word and sentence she says and overloading her speech by meanings that she did not mean.
2- Preventing her from going out of the house when the reasons are just.
3- Preventing her from answering the phone.
17. Patience and Mildness
Problems are expected in every marriage so this is normal. What is wrong is excessive responses and magnifying problems until a marital breakdown.
Anger(rather disapproval) should be shown when she exceeds the boundaries of Allah Ta'ala, by delaying prayers, backbiting, etc..
Forgive the mistakes she does to you (See item 18).
How can you best correct her mistakes?
1- First, implicit and explicit advice several times.
2- Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings). Note that this does not include leaving the bedroom to another room, leaving the house to another place, or not talking with her.
3- He should know that sunnah is to avoid beating as the Prophet(sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) never beat a woman or a servant.
18. Pardoning and Appropriate Censure
Accounting her only for larger mistakes.
Forgive mistakes done to him but account her for mistakes done in Allah's rights, e.g. delaying prayers, etc..
Remember all the good she does whenever she makes a mistake.
Remember that all humans err so try to find excuses for her such as maybe she is tired, sad, having her monthly cycle or that her commitment to Islam is growing.
Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet(sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) never blamed any of his wives for this. If he liked the food, he ate and if he did not; he did not comment.
Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that are more subtle than direct accusations.
Escape from using insults and words that may hurt her feelings.
When it becomes necessary to discuss a problem wait until you have privacy from others.
Waiting until your anger has subsided a bit can help to keep a control on your words.
Author: Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed
Translator: brother Abu Talhah.
Reviewer: brother Adam Qurashi.
Prepared by: Muslim Students' Association,University of Alberta,Edmonton, Canada.
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